A Brain Reservoir

First off, I want to preface this with a few things.  First off, this is probably going to end up being one long ass fucking post so don’t even read this.  Secondly, I am in no way trying to be anti-happy in this post or whatever you want to call it, I’m just being anti-“happy all the time” if you will.  Anyway, I’ll get on with it.  

Also, before I begin [again], I’ll reveal the first thing to prompt this boo hooing on my part.  Yesterday at work my [I’m a cashier] friend rung this guy up and had a little small talk with him.  She commented on how happy he was and he responded with the mentality of that’s how you’re supposed to be.  To wake up every day with a smile and be thankful for the life you have and to greet the day with a good attitude.  Naturally being the kind of person she is [I’m not saying this in a negative way], she agreed with him.  I did my best not to comment on it because I knew I’d get into a long rant about it like I’m doing right now.  

Anyway, I’m going to pick apart the happiness mentality and give it my own spin on how my stupid head views things.  I don’t care if you read this and I certainly don’t care if you agree with this or not, it’s not even for you to read [even though secretly it is], I just want to say it where maybe someone will read it and have the possibility for any sort of feedback, whether negative or positive.  [Did I just greatly contradict myself?] 

OK, so, fucking finally I can begin.  I don’t like or agree in any way with the entire mindset of always needing to be happy, and in some cases, ever needing to be happy. It goes without saying that not everyone is going to be happy all the time and sometimes you just have a bad day, but honestly I think it goes a bit deeper than that.  People seem to view happiness along the same as they view life.  They think they, as well as everyone else has to have it.  Well, in my [obvious] opinion, I don’t buy that.  Why should anyone be happy?  That’s the basis for this whole thing.  Happiness is not a default position, happiness is something that manifests itself inside you from the energy from other things.  Of course it goes the other way as well for being angry or sad.  However people seem to think that you can’t just be neutral.  You can’t be indifferent and you can’t just be sad sometimes.  Anyone who is sad needs to be cheered up because obviously happiness is so clearly preferable to being sad.   Well, you know, sometimes, being depressed [not chronically], or being angry, or being sad, or just not being anything at all is what people want.  If I’m pissed about something, and I don’t have any reason to be happy for a while, then let me be pissed.  Sometimes, and I’m sure you know that feeling, you actually want to wallow in your self pity or hatred for things.  To do otherwise is to bottle those emotions inside of you which can then release itself in other forms or worse later on when it builds up too much.  

I’ve heard that I should just be happy and have a positive outlook on things and they’ll get better.  I should be happy because I am blessed to be alive.  Bullshit.  Now let me say, I’m, in my own way, a very positive person.  Granted I have a hobby of hating on things, but when it comes to life, and science, and the universe, and philosophy, and just thinking, I’m incredibly positive and happy.  Now, just because I said regarding life I have a positive attitude and am happy does not mean I’m saying it’s the best thing ever.  Also, it’s all completely relative.  Sometimes happiness just doesn’t come to people, or simply just doesn’t work for people.  Sometimes a person cannot handle life in the same way some people can, and most of the time, when that happens, they kill themselves.  I know, boo hoo blah blah blah.  I’m being incredibly insensitive.  Talking about suicide becomes a very touchy subject, there are a lot of details to take into account to make it ok, and naturally, all the people affected by it will tell you that it wasn’t ok.  Everyone will tell you it was a selfish thing to do and there were other options.  However, it doesn’t necessarily feel that way to the person who killed themselves…which might allude to the fact that, oh I don’t know, that they killed themselves.  Now, I’m not going to get into my justifications on why I think it’s ok in some situations for someone to commit suicide, but I will say that for some people life is too hard to handle.  For some people life is an unbearable pain, and just because you didn’t kill yourself, and just because you can find a reason for living, does not mean they can.  So in reality, it’s selfish of you to tell them that they can’t kill themselves.  A person’s life is their property and theirs alone.  It’s entirely their right to take it if they desire, but like I said, the conditions in which I think it is ok are an argument in themselves that have no place here.  

The reason you’ll be told you can’t kill yourself is because no one understands death.  Death is viewed as a highly negative thing because when someone dies, the living have to deal with sadness, and as we’ve been seeing, people hate being sad.  As far as I’m concerned, the incessant feeling to be happy is absurd.  Now, let me tell you, I have absolutely no problem with someone who has the whole “happiness all the time” outlook, I may not agree with the outlook, but I don’t have a problem with it.  Just like I don’t agree with religious people, doesn’t mean I have a problem with them or their ideas.  It’s not hurting me, so why should I care?  

Now, granted, people who believe happiness is all there is will argue that “oh durr well the sad people who think it’s ok to be sad will bring our moods down and some might kill other people”, well, you’re blurring the lines between sadness, indifference, and depression, with anger, jealousy, and mental disorders.  Also, I’m not an advocate of bringing others’ moods down.  Yes, if you’re in a crappy mood, there is no reason to bring someone else’s mood down to your level, unless you hate that person, then it’s ok.  

I feel like I left a lot out, but I saved this as a draft and worked on it later, so I think my train of thought derailed, I’ll edit it if I can come back with anything. 

This post comes from Feb. 16th, at like midnight sometime.  That’s also when I wrote this all down.  I think.

As I lay in bed last night, staring at the ceiling, listening to soft music, wondering about the world, science, us humans, and about every single human being, being indoctrinated with something that forces him subconsciously to separate himself from everyone else.  From the very moment you’re born you’re brought up to separate yourself from other people.  Oh, you’re a little boy, you hang out with the other little boys.  You’re a white kid, you only hang out with the other white kids.  You’re 5 years old, you hang out with the other 5 year olds.  You have this percentage of mental capacity, you hang out with the other kids who are “normal” or “retarded”.  You believe in god?  Technically we’re all born atheists and children are indoctrinated with the beliefs of their parents, but I won’t get into that, that’s not what this is about.  Well, we have a special building over here for people who believe in the same definition of “god” as your parents do.  Oh you believe in a slightly different interpretation of that god?  Don’t worry, we have a whole different building for each little variation of the same belief.  You’re skinny?  Here, come hang out with these other skinny kids.  Your parents are rich?  Hang out with these rich kids, don’t associate yourself with those poor kids. 

I could go on and on about that forever, but I think you get the point.  In thinking about this last night, just perpetuates my hatred for the human race and the period of our history on this planet that I was unfortunate enough to be born into.  And if you even have the idiocy to ask me WHY I hate humans, or you even ask me WHY I hate the period of time I’m alive in, then you’re an ignorant dumb fuck.  That’s all there is to it.  If you can’t look around at the world in it’s current sorry state, and see that everything is fucked up beyond what anyone in history could have imagined, then you should go hang out with the retarded kids in sunday school.

Last night, as I lay in my bed, thinking about all this, I began to wonder about things that we can know.  Clearly anything we “know” in our current state of being “alive”, can easily be changed with any new information we obtain.  We should hold nothing in certainy, but instead with doubt.  No matter how positively we feel about something, we should leave room for doubt.  Thinking about this doubt, and this uncertainty in everything we “believe” about anything, I had some revealing thoughts.  I just have this horrible feeling that the only truth, is in death.  As long as you are alive…as long as I am alive, or as long as any form of consciousness is in existence, then anything is possible and anything you can imagine can become a reality.  The only consistency is…the only time anything is ever certain, is when someone dies. 

I feel depressingly comforted by that thought, I guess.  

Maybe whatever happens after you die is up to you.  Perhaps when you’re living on this planet, your thoughts about what happens after you die, your speculations, your expectations, and your dreams about what happens after you die, maybe those things happen for you.  In lamens terms, if I honestly thought that I’d roll around in marshmallows forever after I died, maybe that’s what happens.  If you think you go to heaven, or hell, or inside a volcano, or turn into a dragon after you die, maybe that’s where you go.  

And that’s when the music stopped.  

No one will ever understand that.  No one will ever understand fully what I mean when I say that the music stopped.  Technically speaking, it was when the music i was listening to stopped, but it’s much more than that.  The music symbolizes us.  The human race.  The organisms that have fought for so many thousands of years to get to this point and we’re setting the stage for our own extinction now.  No one will ever understand the music stopping.  Not even me, and I’m the one who said it.  It contains the most meaning in the world.  All the meaning from everything that has ever existed for us is contained in that one phrase.  

And that’s when the music stopped. 

When existence stops.  When everything that can think dies.  When all of science, and understanding, and love, and logic, and reason end.  That’s what it means.  

When the music stops.  That’s what you and I are.  We’re simply music.  Our structure.  Our DNA.  Our genetic code.  It’s all a symphony.  Our thoughts are music to the cosmos as it burns.  Existence is ever so lonely.